Ep 45 Transcript: Letting Go of What No Longer Serves You

This transcript was auto-generated and may contain errors in spelling or inaccuracies in the spoken words.

Hello and welcome to the Real Women Real Business podcast. I am your host, Shauna Lynn Simon, and I'm a business coach. I've been speaking with a lot of my clients recently and a similar topic seems to be coming up time and time again. I thought this would make a perfect podcast episode for my listeners. We're going to talk about letting go of what no longer serves you. And this applies to all aspects of life. We often associate this potentially with relationships,

But it can be a relationship, it can be a habit, it can be your career, maybe your business. Maybe it's an obligation of some sort that you feel like you've made a commitment to, and perhaps your identity is wrapped up in that. And there's a fear of failure that can make changing your career, changing your business, feel almost suffocating, almost impossible. By letting go of the things that no longer serve us, we create space for growth and peace.

And we can create a better alignment in our life with our true values and our true goals and where our passions really lie. So why is this so essential to our mental health, to our lifestyle, to our future? Well, think about the personal growth that you want to experience. This requires the space to do it. And holding on to those things that are no longer serving you can

hinder you from being able to move forward and they're going to hold you back. And so you want every opportunity for success. Right. So what are some of the things that we hold on to that no longer service? So, yeah, you know, relationships, that's probably one of the top ones and not necessarily a romantic relationship. But certainly, yes, that can be it. But it can just be simply friends. It can be partners, romantic or business wise. It can be colleagues. It can be any type of relationship.

And in all honesty, even family relationships can fall into this category. And we'll talk about that a little bit more later on. What else do we hold onto that no longer serves us? Well, it could be a particular habit or routine. A lot of us develop sort of those feel good type of habits over the years. They're a way for us to self soothe. And sometimes those habits are not necessarily healthy, but we hang on to them because of the comfort that we get from them.

But that comfort is actually masking something bigger and we could be holding on to something that's actually hurting us because that habit may not be healthy. It could be something such as binge eating, over drinking, smoking. And this is not to shame anyone who has any of these particular habits, but just to highlight some of the things that this could reference. It could be as simple as having a habit of watching TV.

for hours on end when you, as a method to procrastinate. procrastination is something that is a whole other topic. And it's something that we often associate a lot of shame with. And the reality is that procrastination is actually just a lack of motivation and desire to do something. And there is usually roots in that as well, but that's a whole other conversation. So what else do we hold onto that may no longer be serving us? It could be a career. Career changes are scary. They're big, they're huge.

Trust me, I've done it a couple of times and part of your identity could be wrapped up potentially in that career that you are in and that can make it scary. Perhaps there's a stability that comes with that particular career. So pursuing a passion or something greater might not feel comfortable. And of course I've talked previously about how getting outside of that comfort zone is actually where the magic happens, but it doesn't make it any less scary of course.

Perhaps you've started a business and you wanna shift gears into a different type of business. This is something that we often associate with a sense of failure that if you, maybe this business didn't get as successful as you wanted to, or maybe you did achieve success, but you still want to move on from it. There's nothing wrong with that. It's something that most people do, many people do. Look at all of the most successful entrepreneurs and businesses that you see out there.

chances are it wasn't their first business that they ever started. Your first business isn't always your most successful business. It doesn't mean that you change gears on a whim every few days by any means, but if you feel that business is no longer serving you, your goals, your passion, your future, whatever that is, then it would merit taking a closer look at the business, the things that you want to do and how you might be able to shift it. Perhaps it's a matter of just shifting that

current business focus. Other times it might be a matter of completely starting over. And yeah, I know that's scary, but if it's no longer serving you, it might just be the best thing that's ever happened to you. Maybe you've made some professional commitments that no longer serve you. Perhaps you made an agreement with a potential external partner, strategic alliance of some sort in the first couple of years of your business. And as you've grown, that particular partnership no longer serves you or that alliance no longer serves you.

Or maybe you've simply committed to a particular service or offering that you no longer feel fits with your business, but you have a couple of clients that really like that service and so you've hung on to it. And so what is the cost of not letting go of these things? For one, you're going to be emotionally drained. It takes so much energy for us to do things that we don't actually want to do. And it's not actually about just the time that you spend

doing those things that are, that's draining, but it's the anticipation of it, the thought that it gives the space that it takes up in your, in your head and in your, pit of your stomach, because you don't want to be doing them. That is emotionally draining as well. It can cause you to feel stagnated and it can even cause you to burn out, which is actually a physical response to overwhelm, to stress, to...

over doing things into that emotional drain. You might feel if you don't get rid of some of these things that no longer serve you, if you hang on to them, you might feel that you lose yourself in it. I've heard this from my clients over the years that the business doesn't look how they thought it was going to. They let it take a direction that they're not the most comfortable with, whether it was due to

client demands or just the demands of the market. Perhaps it was a particular employee or employees that they had on staff. There's a lot of reasons why things might go in a different direction, but they feel as though it no longer represents what they set out to do and they lose themselves in that process. Perhaps it's about losing the opportunity for a new direction, for something new that you could be doing by hanging on to these things that no longer serve us. What are the opportunity costs of that?

What is it that you're possibly losing out on? So I wanted to share a bit of an experience, a couple of experiences with you. So I've over the years, you know, had people that have come into my life that I've been very close friends with. And at some point, those relationships just start to fizzle out. It doesn't mean that I didn't value the relationship. It doesn't mean that we've had a falling out of any sort.

It just means that we've gone in different paths and in different directions. And this is a natural part of life. I am so incredibly fortunate to have numerous friendships that I've had since childhood. But there are a ton of people that I've met over the years that aren't a part of my life anymore. It doesn't mean that I don't still hold a place in my heart for them and that I don't still care for them. It just means that they're no longer a part of my life. So this has probably happened to you. Why is it that we can let go of those?

without feeling guilt sometimes, but we can't let go of other things that aren't disturbing us. You know, take a look at those relationships. There was a beautiful role that they played in your life for a period of time, and that time has now passed. Think of romantic partners that you've had that you think of fondly that you don't necessarily want to get back together with them, but you remember the times that you had with them with fondness. And of course, that's not every relationship, and I'm aware of that, but...

The point is that most of us have had at least a couple of those relationships where there wasn't anything wrong with the person. It doesn't necessarily mean that there was anything that was major that happened that just, you grew apart. And so it's important to recognize when those paths diverge and to be able to let go of some of those relationships without guilt, without shame, without feeling that you need to cling on to something.

because you feel obligated in some way. And obligation, that feeling of obligation is not a good reason to hang on to something because that is what tends to drain us. So I also wanna share another story of a more recent encounter that I had with a very close friendship. It was a very close friend of mine that we'd been friends for a number of years and that friendship had grown quite deep in the last few years of that relationship.

And it was beautiful and incredible. And there were so many ways that we connected in so many ways that we supported each other through some really challenging and difficult times. And because of that, it sort of overshadowed all that good stuff, overshadowed the toxicity that existed in that relationship as well. And it was a difficult decision to walk away from this relationship. You know, it's easy in our head to justify

things because there are there is good to that relationship. And it's a hard thing to reconcile sometimes that understanding that there is a negative aspect or a toxic aspect to a relationship, but not necessarily feeling as though it's a they're a bad person. You still love and care for that person. It doesn't necessarily mean that they should take up space in your life because they are causing you harm. And you're trying to weigh out, well, is the harm really so great?

considering that there's all this goodness that they do add to my life. They do support me. They do care deeply for me. They've shown up for me in so many ways over the years, but does that excuse their poor behavior? And walking away from that relationship was probably, frankly, one of the hardest things I've ever done, acknowledging and treasuring the relationship that I had and the space that they held.

and the things that they did for me over the years and allowing myself to still hold on to those beautiful memories because they really were, while also acknowledging that this relationship no longer served me. And the longer that I stayed in that relationship, the more challenging it was going to be for me to be able to move on in a healthy and meaningful way. so, you know, I had to, like I said, walk away from this relationship. Was it easy?

No, definitely not. Was it explosive? Yeah, unfortunately it was. And that's not always the case, but in this case, it definitely was. And there was a grief that is accompanied with this. And we often associate grief with the death of someone and more of that bereavement type of grief. But the truth is that we can grieve all sorts of things in our lives. We can grieve the career that we're no longer pursuing. We can grieve the friendships.

that are no longer a part of our lives. We can grieve the person that we were for the person that we are becoming. And it's okay to grieve those things and still move forward. And there was definitely a bit of a conflict for me that made me feel as though, am I giving up? Should I be trying harder to make this relationship work? Because there is so much goodness to it. And I think that, especially as women, we tend to internalize

that we are the reason that these things are happening. We are the reason when a relationship, quote unquote, fails. But is it a failure? If a relationship has, you know, had its course and it's fizzled out or exploded in some way, is that our fault? And don't get me wrong. I acknowledge the part that I played in some of the toxicity to this relationship and in some of the challenges that we face in some of the...

the areas that were, there was moments of disconnect that caused difficult and challenging conversations and some explosive behavior. But that does not excuse certain actions that were taken towards me and the emotional damage that was caused. And the price that I was paying with my own

inner feelings and my own heartache and my own self-worth, frankly. And so was I giving up? Yeah, I was, but that was okay. I think that was the part that I had to come to terms with was accepting that walking away and giving up is the healthiest thing to do when something is no longer serving you. Now that I've been out of that relationship, that friendship for about a year and a half now,

The clarity that I have and the peace that I have with everything that transpired is profound. And the lessons that I've learned from the process is that I can look back on it and say, I wish I had left sooner. But in all honesty, I think I left at the exact perfect time because I think that I would have second guessed the decision numerous times had I done it sooner. It had to come to the head that it came to.

and that allowed me to be able to walk away in the way that I did. And the lessons that I've learned since then are things that I lost in myself as a part of that friendship. But I've also learned that I can value everything that that person brought to my life and still reflect fondly for who they were in my life, the role that they played, the person that they are.

the wonderfulness to the human being that they are, while also acknowledging that there is some work that they need to do to be able to have healthy relationships going forward. And I can't be a part of that process. And it's okay for me to walk away and move forward. And it's opened me up to opportunities to make new friends, new relationships.

things that I may not have pursued previously because they were fulfilling a certain area of my life. And I've opened myself up to looking outward to see what else is available to me to provide the support and the resources. And it's been pretty wonderful to be honest this past year and a half of some of the relationships and connections that I've made. So now that was a personal relationship that I had to let go of, but what happens if it's a professional commitment that you've got?

So the unique challenge of walking away from a career or a business or professional path, as we've talked about already, is that fear of losing your identity or your reputation. You feel almost this guilt over abandoning something that you built, that you committed to, and you might fear being perceived as a failure. We want to play this story in our head of how am I going to explain to people

that this was no longer serving me. It's easy for you to tell me, of course, that, know what, I let go of that because it no longer served me. But when we think about how this might be conceived or perceived by others, we can acknowledge that there's a different perception and we can't control other people's perceptions, but we can control our own narrative. once you have...

identify that you have a professional commitment that you need to walk away from, whether it's your career, your business, or just simply something that you are doing in your professional career as a sort of an aspect of it. Once you've decided that you need to let go of that, I want you to really spend some time identifying why you need to get rid of that. And it's not enough to just say, well, it's emotionally draining. Yep, that's true. But why does it not properly serve you? So think about things like, is it

aligned with my values? Is it aligned with where I see myself in the future? Perhaps you've reached a stage in your life where things are shifting gears. Maybe it's because of, you know, a growing family that you have, or maybe you've got empty nestor syndrome, or maybe it's about having aging parents that require more care, or maybe it's simply a matter of wanting to enjoy a bit of retirement and start easing back from some of the commitments that you've made. Whatever it is, I want you to really reflect on what you gain

by making the shift and then make that shift strategic. It's not on a whim, it's strategic. And when you show people that you are moving forward purposely in another direction and leaving something else behind, you didn't quit, you didn't fail. Instead, you have changed directions, you have pivoted and that is the ultimate power move. So in my own business, I operated a home staging business for 15 years and

I would say it took about a full year to make the decision to close down the staging division. And what I was finding was that my passion for training and coaching had grown so significantly and I felt so limited in my ability to be able to help people in that field. And I wanted to find a way that I could do more of this. And the more that I looked at, the more I realized I just simply needed more time on my calendar and operating the multiple businesses with

somewhat different agendas and objectives was contradictory. And I couldn't give the focus and the dedication and the spirit that I really needed to give to my coaching business while I still had that home staging business. Now, this might sound familiar for you in terms of what it looked like for me. It wasn't as though I looked up one day and said, I think I need to close down my staging division and spent another year agonizing over it.

It was more that I recognized that it wasn't serving me the way that I thought that I wanted it to. And it wasn't serving me in the way that it once did. And so it took some time to be able to frame that in a way that made sense for moving forward. I looked at ways to make internal changes. I looked for ways to shift our services slightly. I looked for ways to improve our processes to be able to allow me more time out of the business and serving my coaching clients.

And ultimately, the more that I tried to shift these things, the more time and energy that I spent on it, the more I realized that I really didn't want that anymore for myself. I did not want to hang on to the home staging business. But let me tell you, after 15 years of operating a home staging business, so much of my identity was wrapped up in that. And so that was something that I also had to come to terms with. Who am I?

without the staging business. In fact, a lot of the training and the coaching that I do is centered in the home staging industry. And so what does it look like for those clients that are relying on me as someone who's in the trenches with them? And can I still serve them in the same way? And of course, long story short, I did identify that absolutely not only could I serve them the same way, but I could serve them better because it allowed me the opportunity to learn new skills, new opportunities for enhancing my current skillset.

and adding to you the value that I was providing them with without burning myself out, without draining myself and to be able to give them the best version of me. And so it was a pretty major career change, but with the changes that I made, I was able to increase the number of clients that I was able to take on, introduce the group coaching program that I'm now super proud to have facilitated and grown to what it is today. And it also allowed me to be able to offer

different insights that I wouldn't have been able to do had I still hung on to that home staging business. So I love that I've made this shift. I love where it's taken me. I wouldn't have been able to start this podcast had I not made that shift. But all of this came in due time and it wasn't as though I just suddenly woke up one day and on a whim, I'm closing down the staging business. It was thoughtful, it was strategic and it was really thoroughly planned out. Was the transition perfect? Of course not.

No, because it's probably, I mean, think about when you started your first business, it was messy, wasn't it? It wasn't all rainbows and butterflies. And so your second business or your third business or your third career change, whatever that looks like, there's going to be some bumps in the road naturally. But if you recall the first time you did this, those bumps in the road, as challenging as they were, they were exciting challenges.

to take on, there were opportunities to learn something and be able to apply that going forward. You didn't look at yourself as failing along the way. You looked at yourself as failing forward essentially, right? It takes a lot of courage to admit when something isn't working and to prioritize your long-term growth, your long-term goals over the short-term perceptions that might be there. Did some people misinterpret my closing the stage and division? Sure. I certainly had people coming to me saying,

I'm really sorry that like, that you ended up having to close things down. You went out of business. That was my favorite one. You went out of business. no, I didn't go out of business. I closed the business on my terms. And that was something that, like I said, it was, you know, that perception, did it sting a little bit? Sure. Because I know that some people still have that narrative in mind when they think about the business, but the people who continue to follow me and my journey see,

the reasoning behind closing that and understand the value that that served me and respect the moves that I've made and the changes that I've made and the businesses that I've grown since then. So let's say you're considering, okay, maybe there's something in my life. You're thinking about a relationship, a commitment of some sort, your career, your business. There's something in your life. Maybe it's a habit or routine that's no longer serving you. So how do you assess or how do you move forward from that?

You need to assess first of all if it still aligns with your values, your goals in the current stage of life, as we mentioned. Then look at the bigger picture. What would your life look like if you stayed on this current path versus choosing something new? Can you envision what that something new would look like? How do you look, how do you feel? How do the people around you feel? Oftentimes, we're not just bringing ourselves down when we're in a state of...

stagnation, but instead we start bringing down the people who are around us, the people who care about us and are closest to us because they see the stress that we're under, they see the overwhelm that we're facing, and of course they want the best for us. And so they're going to understand when you decide to move forward and move on from whatever it is that's holding you back. It's not about failure, remember, it's about growth. Now, when it comes to those relationships and commitments that maybe you can't let go of,

Those are tricky and I get that. So I want you to acknowledge that there's certain things that we can't walk away from that's just not feasible. Maybe it's contractual obligations. Maybe you actually signed on to something for say five years and you're only three years into it. Maybe it's a family member that you don't feel comfortable walking away from because let's face it, they're family and sometimes you really just can't fully escape them. So what does it look like to be able to maybe manage some of these situations?

Well, for starters, I want you to set and enforce some healthy boundaries. So what are ways that you can navigate these things? What are ways that they can show up in your life where they would feel a bit more comfortable, feel like they're not choking you so much? And keep it in mind, like I understand like any encounter can often cause you stress and overwhelm, just anticipating it, nevermind the time you're spending with them. So limit your interactions and contact with them as much as you possibly can. And if it is something like a contractual obligation,

Take a look at your options, review with a lawyer, see what it would take to get you out of that contract. Is this even a feasible thing? Because it might be worth at least exploring that option. And if not, and if you're like, okay, well, I've got to be in this, then you're to set those healthy boundaries and then shift your focus from the things that you can't control, the things that you want to let go of, but you can't let go of, shift your focus from that to what you can control.

We've talked about this previously in terms of stress management. This is one of the number one tools in your toolbox when it comes to stress management is to identify the things that you can control versus the things that you can't and focus on those things that you can control and the actions that you can take and put actual action steps to them because moving forward, taking action is one of the greatest ways that we're going to find relief from that pressure that we might be feeling.

And then find ways to minimize emotional or logistical impact without completely walking away. So what can this be restructured to look like without completely walking away in a way that feels good for you and that maybe received better on the other end as well. Now, if something is no longer serving you and you do choose that you're going to walk away, I want you to reflect on how the relationship, the habit, the commitment, whatever it is, impacts your emotional and physical wellbeing.

And this is going to help you to be able to move forward. So then consider your life with and without it. What does your energy look like with it in your life? And what does your energy look like without it in your life? And then take the time to grieve it both before and after the decision is made if needed. Grief is an important part of this. Just because you're okay with walking away from something you know is the right thing.

doesn't make it any less emotional or less challenging for you to do. And it's going to take up space in your heart and in your head as you work through that grief. And grief is not something that you necessarily get through, but you simply live alongside as well. So understand that there might not be that point in your life where you say, I'm over it. And how do we let go with dignity? How do we ensure that we've maintained that level of dignity? And I spoke about this when I spoke about the personal relationship.

that I had to let go of a year and a half ago. Honor the good parts of that and the lessons that you've learned from it. Take that value. There's value in everything. Maybe it's things that you learned about yourself. Maybe it's not about that person themselves, but it's about what you've learned about yourself through letting go, through moving forward, or through being a part of that relationship or that commitment or that habit that you learned that you want better for yourself, that you learned the strength that you have.

that you learned what you don't want in a partner, whether it's a romantic partner or a friendship or a professional relationship. And whenever possible, try to avoid the dramatic exits unless absolutely necessary. As I mentioned, sometimes, you know what, they're going to implode and that's just going to be the way that it's going to end. And I don't recommend it necessarily, but sometimes there's no avoiding it. But sometimes you can just walk away sort of quietly, just take some quiet intentional moves

and just slowly shift yourself out of that. And that can be just as powerful. And letting go doesn't always mean closing the door forever. In the case of the friendship that I spoke of, it did. And that was a significant grief that I had to process of feeling that this person who was such a pivotal part of my life and such an integral part of my life was no longer going to be there. And I could no longer show up for them and vice versa.

But it doesn't always have to be that way. So don't think of it as closing the door forever. Think about creating space for the growth and alignment that you need with your current values and your future. as I mentioned, I've come on the other side of this friendship and leaving that friendship and letting go of it. And it's pretty amazing.

the things that I've learned and the things that I've built upon over the last year and a half, that again, I wouldn't have done if I had held onto that. My career is flourishing, my personal life is flourishing. Have I still experienced setbacks and ups and downs? Of course I have. And I've shared a lot of them with you throughout this year. But overall, I'm so happy with where I'm at. And does it mean that there isn't room for improvement? Of course not.

but I'm perfect just the way that I am. And I'm perfect in the person that I've become. And I'm looking forward to seeing that perfection in a new light as it continues to grow and evolve. And the reason why I'm referring to it as perfection is because you are so perfect in who you are today. It doesn't mean that growth and improvements can't exist even though you're already perfect. It doesn't mean that those things aren't happening, but...

You know, there's no reason why we should be getting upset with ourselves because we let go of something. And I think that's the part that I want you to take away from this, that I don't want you to see it as something that you feel shame about or that you feel guilt about because you deserve what's best for you. And you deserve to make those choices and those indecisions for what serves you best. And if letting go of something is what's going to serve you best going forward, then that's what I want you to do.

So I want you to reflect on your own lives and consider what might be holding you back and how might you move forward from this. So remember you're not walking away from failure, you're walking toward growth and sometimes the bravest thing that you can do for yourself is release what's no longer serving you. So I want you to reflect on what's weighing you down and start imagining just a life without it. What could that possibly look like?

I invite you to share your stories with me, follow me on social media @Shaunalynnsimon and share the stories with me on the personal growth that you've experienced or the things that you're walking away from. You can even DM me if you don't want to share it publicly, send me a DM and tell me about what are you letting go of this year that no longer serves you? And maybe you're taking baby steps towards it. Maybe you're doing it in one fell swoop, but whatever it is that you're doing, I want you to do it with power, with strength and with dignity. So.

If what I'm saying here today resonates with you, I truly hope that you will continue to join me on this journey of this podcast. Tune in next week and don't forget to subscribe to us on your favorite podcast platform. Leave us a review. And if this episode really resonated with you, share it with someone else in your life that might connect with it just as much as you did. That's the best way that we can continue to support our fellow female entrepreneurs. Until next time, keep thriving.